Happy new year and all that jazz. You know, initially I wanted to start the year off on the right foot from the get go. The right foot, my dominant foot, dominance involves being assertive and boy do I want to be more assertive in my life this year. I want to feel okay making boundaries, to be less harsh on myself for putting my needs in front of others at times when I need to. I wanted to work on my anxiety about posting videos online, of which it has already been a two and a bit year journey trying to find constant confidence. A bit over a week in, my ‘resolution’ felt as though it had vanished into thin air. Ancient truths distorted to carve larger lies while cinders I worked so long to smolder were brought alight once more by the gasoline in your grasp.
What a time to be alive.
Much like the dog in the fire, I told myself “this is fine”, while I sat in therapy comparing myself to him. Comparing something I didn’t do to the horrible things he did. Somedays I would question my own memory, perhaps both were wrong, in which case I am an awful person to tell others you were the liar, to suggest he could do something like that to a child. The two things became intertwined, something her and I try untangle in our sessions. It’s tiresome really, I have so much to say and yet I wish the voices would shut up already and leave it alone. Sleep dart the dogs and walk away.
I cannot live near your spotlight, I am better suited to be in the dark, a tall dark shadow with no body to follow.
Some people are incapable of change, true or false? I feel that this statement is perhaps true. There’s a ‘fix it’ attitude in society, often self serving; or comparatively, an attitude that can crush the boundaries of self as a means to be accepted by others. Not everything is fixable and I think I am finally coming to terms with that, at least in these particular circumstances. I wish that I could have closure in the way that I want it, for an apology, for something, anything that absolves me of untruths. But perhaps I am asking for too much, after all, it could be worse.
2022 certainly isn’t “new year, new me” but it brings chances for me to grow and climb back up the ladder that is ‘confidence’ to find my passions. Not going to lie, the revolving door of interests, patterns and what have you, do make it extremely difficult to locate a constant drive for things. Part of me is hopeful, however; A feeling I interpret as it is passively passed through our mind. I think over time I am becoming more self aware, more attuned to how my disorders manifest in my outward behavior and internal signs. I think there is progress being made, although one small inconvenience comes out of nowhere and I feel like it is the end of the world. I just want this year to be different, I want to find something to be excited for, whether it be something old or something new.
I remember I wanted to be a film maker at one point in my life, and a writer too. A novelist, a journalist, a stop-motion editor. All those dreams and aspirations but such little drive or commitment, or even the attention span to learn. But when I feel compelled to blog, I give myself a pat on the back for doing so, because at least I know it’s something I enjoy; I am doing it for myself, not for anyone else, and not because I “have to”.