Unstructured Thoughts

Zero desire to make content or advocacy things lately, because the niche environment I was in feels so toxic to me nowadays. Breaking out of that into a more general mental health area leaves me feeling very lost and most definitely out of my depth. Searching for reasons as to why I even wish to ‘advocate’ at all, searching for answers as to what even defines an ‘advocate’. By all means I would love to read more, find studies, share findings, but truth of the matter is that I find reading extremely difficult due to dissociation. Even with things I am super interested in, “special interests”, it is difficult to maintain focus.

Follow with a paragraph about something happy. Talking too much about the negatives makes it seem depressing, too depressed over “first world problems”, obviously fake. Too happy, enjoying life , also fake. Fluctuations? No, you cannot have both; also fake. You have a mental health issue and society only believes that when you’re in a constant state of sadness, yet at the same time expect you to “get the fuck over it” and “contribute to society”. If you can’t ‘contribute’, then why are you here? You try to leave, then you are “attention seeking”. You end up leaving, you were “too young to go”.

You seek solace in a community of likeminded people, until you discover that you arent all the same. It was a naive assumption let’s admit. We are but a microsegment of society, a group with an intangible umbrella to hold.

I used to want to share my story, but then it felt like my story was worthless in comparison to the grand tales other people shared. People were wasting their time consuming my content, I felt bad that I was subjecting them to boredom. But I realised I had somewhat became a symbol, of people who looked like me, I was the visible of the invisible. My lighter skin tone makes me palatable. Exotic but not too exotic. Opinions influenced by a white upbringing made me even more desirable for white folk to consume my words and receive their certificates on being ‘woke’.

Those with less recognition and visibility, thanked me for my service. I was humbled, yet saddened to be the only voice being heard and respected. My words were not all that different to messages they had shared, and yet my plagiarism was heard because I was more palatable, exotic but not too exotic, I had friends in whiter places, so this meant I had to be respected.

Oh woe is me that I recieve attention. How terrible it must be. But do you not see the pressure there, the idea that I exist to maintain the peace between the two colours of my lineage. Share the stories of my people, but delicately so as to not spook others away for their wrongdoings. Being traumatised makes you immune to the thing many preach the most. How do you define accountability? Is it only applicable when it is relevant to your circumstance? Accountability is selective you see, it does not exist for racism. But do remember that “microagressions do not count”, for the white man is more knowledgeable than I.

Do not misinterpet what I am saying, because other poc wanting me to advocate is not the issue; for the issue is the white man seems to find my content instead of theirs because of algorithms and my connections. I implore you to go out of your way to see their stories, poc experiences are not a one size fits all. This constant feeling of tokenisation envelopes me on a micro and major scale to a point where I have no more spoons left to keep the peace.

For a peacekeeper, my frustrations are not so peaceful. I live in a constant state of second guessing messages of power versus messages fueled by a borderline response. Then again, I am entitled to my frustrations, yet where is the line? Is there a line, or is it whisked away in the sand?
High tides, low tides, will I ever have a concrete answer as to my desires? Moments like this it seems that I want to just concentrate on me. Selfish, selfless, either way I can no longer ride each wave clinging to this niche crate of expectations.

I don’t want to be an advocate for your disorder anymore. I want to be an advocate only for myself, for MY mental and physical well being; I just happen to be someone who shares your diagnosis. My brain is drained from all of these rambles yet I know there is so much more in my head for sharing, I suppose that is for another time.

The Elephant in the Room

A guide to ‘race claiming’ within the dissociative community.

Race is much more than being spiritual, owning a dreamcatcher, the colour of your skin, and enjoying certain kinds of foods.

Some important things to note before we proceed is that while I certainly am not the only person of colour with DID, the points made here are are also influenced by discussions I have had with other poc with OSDDID. While most examples used later in this article mention Black culture, the subject matter is also applicable to other poc. As the writer, I do not believe it appropriate to give examples from a cultural background of which I am not. For those unaware of my presence within the online OSDDID community, I, myself, am mixed race; my mother is a white Australian, and my father is Jamaican.

Important terms referenced throughout this piece are as follows.

  • OSDDID: A catch all acronym often used online for those with Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) or Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID);

  • POC: Person of Colour;

  • Race claiming: Refers to when an alter within a system claims a race or ethnicity that does not match the body’s culture/heritage.


“Hi, my name is Courtney, I’m a poc alter in a DID system”


For a long time within the online and most likely offline OSDDID community, race claiming, particularly amongst white folks, has been seen as the norm for describing different alters/parts within systems. However, within recent years the language surrounding these alter descriptions has been challenged.

The query proposed by people of colour with or without OSDDID is “How do you define the race of an alter if you do not have the lived experience of said race or culture?”.

OSDDID are disorders formed in childhood due to trauma, therefor rendering it practically impossible for the child to choose the alter formed. Over time the lexicon chosen to describe these alters has the ability to be challenged and changed. From a young age children are given a generalised view of the world they inhabit, including a multitude of stereotypes and biases, each learned from interacting with others and consuming media. Western society has been built to benefit affluent white cisgender heterosexual males, and biases towards minorities are all around us, regardless of whether or not you, as a reader, are aware of them.

When a child splits an alter with a darker skin tone than the body that speaks AAVE (African-American Vernacular English), the alter would be loosely to largely based off of a person or character that is Black; a person that the mind required representation of at the time. As the person ages, this alter will take on many of the biases and observed behaviours of Black people in the world around them. Their identity is formed on the observations of another culture through a white lens. Although their existence may even be linked back to them (a white person with OSDDID) growing up in a Black neighbourhood, an upbringing where they were constantly immersed in the culture, the history and lived experience as a poc will never be there.

Race is much more than being spiritual, owning a dreamcatcher, the colour of your skin, and enjoying certain kinds of foods.

While again, the appearance of an alter inner world cannot be controlled, learning why certain words or actions may be harmful to the poc community is an important step in dismantling racism. Just because you have a mental health disorder does not mean you cannot learn how your actions may be harming a marginalised community, and in turn how to change that. The idea within the OSDDID community that racism is only limited to alters using racist slurs is incorrect as it fails to recognise the intricacies of racist behaviour. It creates categories of ‘good’ white people and ‘bad’ white people by drawing a movable line in the sand as to when racism is okay. Much like in general society, microaggressions against black people i.e, “You’re so well educated for a black person”, are deemed acceptable when compared to violent acts such as police brutality. The former is deemed ‘accidental racism’ which is written off as a non-issue. The reality is that after years of normalising behaviours, by redefining what is and isn’t racial trauma, society continues to perpetuate that poc are inferior to white people. The acceptance of this social hierarchy later fuels more radical acts such as the aforementioned police brutality. While yes, one puts Black folks in immediate danger, in separating the acts into ‘palatable’ and ‘non-palatable’ forms of racism it absolves white people of any responsibility under the guise that, “Well I’m not a white supremacist”, even though they are actively benefiting from a society built on the back of white supremacy; the social hierarchy that continues to this day.

Racism in the OSDDID community is not just limited to alters using racist slurs, it is also allowing poc’s cultural identities be minimised to a white perspective of our ethnicities. The topic of racial trauma is too often discounted within online discourse, with the voices of poc with OSDDID pushed to the side because, “I can’t change my alter being poc, it is because of my trauma disorder”. Childhood trauma somehow reigns supreme to racial trauma; even in these situations where they often intersect, the trauma of marginalised cultures is seen as lesser to that of a white person’s childhood trauma.

Personal rather than objective opinion:

Much like how introjects are not their source, the same should be applicable in these situations in that these alters are not X race. ‘Alter of colour’ is also not an appropriate term, as creating new verbiage to categorise these alters implies that they are their own marginalised community needing a safe space, like people of colour; a situation which again trivialises the lived experiences of actual poc.


A big question I have to you whom may disagree with what has been written here, why is it so important for your alters to be allowed to identify as poc rather than simply describing features or interests? From that, do you feel oppressed by poc within the OSDDID community for being hurt that you are using our our cultural terms? If so, I would implore you to check your privilege. While these statements may come off as quite direct and confrontational, it shouldn’t be necessary to tip-toe around the subject and create a piece that is more palatable to you as a white person. The focal point and take away from this needs to be that the language should change. An alter might have a dark skin tone or look similar to Beyoncé, but they are not Black. They might enjoy Middle Eastern cuisine and be quite tanned, but they are not Afghan. Acknowledge that while they may be based off of observed aspects or a person from a certain culture, your interactions with society are as a white person, because you are white.

As children we do not know better, but as teens and adults we have the opportunity to change; it is up to you as to whether you wish to listen and take action to be an ally to poc.



Our Race, Our Lives, Our Experiences

Our voices, the voices of other dissociative BIPOC, will not be silenced, refuse to be overshadowed by the experience of just one white systems’ popularity. Our voices matter just as much as our livesI would like to take this opportunity to point out however, that we will try as hard as we can to be active online and put new recources on our website over the weekend because this is not a disorder just experienced by white folk. BIPOC deserve to be visible and our stories heard by the neurotypical white population. We dont want DDs comeback to be all that others looking up the disorder see. So many other stories and experiences are unseen due to popularity and algorithms.

Alters are not here to be your “favorite personality” in a system. Listen to the actual stories behind the voices, understand beyond the surface level why each part of a system may vastly vary in characteristics to anothers’.We are more than our disorder, yet the cause of it has literally shaped our entire state of being, a precursor to how we interpreted the rest of the world as it flowed around us.

Dissociative BIPOC are a minority within a minority. This doesnt mean white people have not struggled, just that it is important to see that race vastly alters how each group experiences the disorder. Much like how rich women experience sexism is vastly different to poor women.

Dissociative identity disorder is not a horror trope, it is also not to be glorified nor romanticised as mystical and ‘fun’. How we all function with the disorder is not something to be measured as a yes or no, as even for a ‘functional’ system, time and place can change this.

We are not your inspiration, but let us inspire you to be more compassionate, more open to understanding, more active in clearing space for the marginalised to thrive rather than simply exist.